Well we are closing in on one month of life with two little beauties and while my Instagram feed may show a picture perfect life with two, I assure you, life is pretty much chaotic 24/7. I'm surviving on cup after cup of coffee and I regularly have tearful breakdowns amid crying fits from both kids or while trying to rock/bounce/jiggle a babe to sleep at 3AM. If I've been making the impression that life is just grand, well, then I've done a great job at masking the all to frequent dark and anxiety ridden moments that have surfaced postpartum. Let me put it to you clearly, life is HARD with two kids and I'm definitely struggling in my own respect.
I think life with a newborn is kind of like going through labor and delivery, you basically have to have amnesia in order to do it again. And for those of you, like my Mom, who have done it 4, 5, 6 times, all I have to say is GOD BLESS YOU. And don't worry, I know, "it gets easier," "this phase doesn't last forever," "I will sleep again," "Rory will stop crying eventually," "I'll love watching them grow up together," and about 67 other things that you can tell me, but right now, it's a challenge to make it through each day, let alone think about the coming months and years. This is not my first kid, my heart knows all these things, but my foggy head has trouble remembering sometimes.
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| On our way to church, on time! |
Ryan is adjusting super well, way better than me. She loves Rory and regularly asks to hold her and be near her. She loves to read her stories and bring her toys and doesn't seem overly agitated or concerned by her crying or the attention that she requires from me. Occasionally, she is frustrated because we can't stay outside longer or because Rory has to eat or because I can't sit on the couch and read to her because Rory is requiring me to stand and move around. But overall, she has been the perfect big sister and so at the very least, I can rest easily knowing she is fine.
What I don't want is for you to pity me. I KNOW that I have a beautiful family, with healthy little girls, a supportive, hardworking, and loving husband/father, and enough money and things to get by in this life and perhaps that's why when I feel like I'm trapped and want to run away, all I do is then feel more guilty about my feelings. There are so many women out there who would likely love to be in my shoes. So I try to highlight the bright spots in our days, the moments of pure sweetness and perfection, through my pictures. I feel it's important, especially when I'm feeling down to find the good. I used to scrapbook A LOT before I had children and before I blogged regularly. My Mom once told me that people who scrapbook tend to be happier because the scrapbooks highlight the good times and help you forget there were ever bad moments/days/or even years. I want to look back at these weeks and months and remember the good moments.
But I also want to be real and candid and let you know that I'm not perfect, my kids aren't perfect, my family isn't perfect. I struggle, just like some of you do with trying to do it all and do it all perfectly and sometimes that just doesn't work out like I want it to. Newborns have a way of making that abundantly clear to us Moms. Amidst the chaos of motherhood there IS beauty, but there are also storms, sometimes huge ones and my journey through motherhood is definitely not free of them.
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